b!entry #2 – lost in thought.

okay, my third post came way too long after i posted the second one. i even promised myself to post more. wow self, you’re a very talkshit person. 🤦🏼‍♀️ but anyways, good day to anyone who reads this. take note: ‘anyone’. but since no one knows that this account exists other than me, then it’s better to talk like no one’s listening. heh.

too many things happened from the past months of not posting anything here. about life, about ‘love’, about family and friends. i’m pretty happy that good things have took place in those months. though i’ve been thinking, what if none of them ever happened? what if i still think of death as often as i used to? would it all be the same? me, and anyone that’s in my space?

chester bennington, linkin park’s lead vocal, has died yesterday (july 20, 2017). i’m not a fan of lp, but i do listen to their songs a lot. specially ‘numb’, ‘new divide’, and others. he died by hanging himself in his own home and ever since i heard the news, i couldn’t stop thinking about my own demons. what if one day, the void that is still living in my chest would grow bigger and i ended up taking my own life as well?

honestly, it’s still hard waking up every morning knowing that the heaviness of your feelings is still there. it’s hard to display a ‘i’m fine’ exterior when all you wanted to do is plaster a ‘i’m fucking tired of everything’ self to everyone. why is this so hard?

and the most hurtful thing is, i don’t know the reason why it hurts. i think i lost the battle already, but i won’t stop unless i found a reason to go on. unless the thin thread that separates being alive and dying is still there then i’m rejecting all these though. i’ll try to live another day, or many more days to come and seek for a better world of my own that is filled with serenity.

chester, i love you so much and i hope you already found your light.

and to everyone who’s fighting a battle, hold on. talk to someone about it. it’ll all be fine one day. this, i’m certain.



p!entry #1 — i wish (+ explanation heh)

i wish you know how my heart keeps on screaming on your name,
how it keeps on searching for you,
though it’s clear that you’re already gone away.

i wish you know the sleepless nights,
how your memories keep me awake,
how they haunt me like i’m a prey,

i wish you can see the tears,
how they fall continuously,
like a waterfall, with endless agony.


i wish you know that i still love you,
despite the pain, how it hurts so bad,
i know i will always do.


okay, honestly, it’s almost been a year since i last posted. i don’t even know if someone reads this but,,, hello?? k no-  as i was saying, it’s been a while since my first post. i’m a busy person who doesn’t know how to do time management, that’s why. but i don’t really know if i’m just a busy person or i’m just busy at being lazy- gosh, i’m the worst. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF SOMEONE READS OR VISITS THIS BLOG AND IF SOMEONE DESERVES AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY I’M GONE. sighs.

wordpress blog, i love you. let me put more contents to you darling~

welcome back, self. bows,


b!entry #1 — bye, 15. (a post-birthday letter to self)

hey, self. you have endured another year again plus you’re still breathing! kudos for being able to reach another life span. you deserve an applause for that.

thank you for being strong that despite all the struggles that came in your way, you still managed to get through those. that may not be all since you still got a long ride ahead of you, but you’re doing great on keeping your head up and going with the flow of life.

i apologize if sometimes, you found yourself in such situations wherein you wanted to give up. i’m sorry if you feel like the world is against all your decisions; but we know that that’s how this mess called life works. i’m sorry that you still feel that you aren’t good enough. i know that all of the challenges you are facing will fade, and eventually you’ll be okay. remember that god is always with you throughout this whole journey and you are not alone. light up the fire in your heart and hold on.

also, i hope that you find your real purpose as to why you are existing. and if that time comes, accept it wholeheartedly and without doubts nor hesitations. do it with dedication and  i promise that you will succeed.

just always keep in mind that you need to aim high, do the things that makes you happy, be contented with what you have and ‘love yourself’.

cheers for another year!