b!entry #2 – lost in thought.

okay, my third post came way too long after i posted the second one. i even promised myself to post more. wow self, you’re a very talkshit person. 🤦🏼‍♀️ but anyways, good day to anyone who reads this. take note: ‘anyone’. but since no one knows that this account exists other than me, then it’s better to talk like no one’s listening. heh.

too many things happened from the past months of not posting anything here. about life, about ‘love’, about family and friends. i’m pretty happy that good things have took place in those months. though i’ve been thinking, what if none of them ever happened? what if i still think of death as often as i used to? would it all be the same? me, and anyone that’s in my space?

chester bennington, linkin park’s lead vocal, has died yesterday (july 20, 2017). i’m not a fan of lp, but i do listen to their songs a lot. specially ‘numb’, ‘new divide’, and others. he died by hanging himself in his own home and ever since i heard the news, i couldn’t stop thinking about my own demons. what if one day, the void that is still living in my chest would grow bigger and i ended up taking my own life as well?

honestly, it’s still hard waking up every morning knowing that the heaviness of your feelings is still there. it’s hard to display a ‘i’m fine’ exterior when all you wanted to do is plaster a ‘i’m fucking tired of everything’ self to everyone. why is this so hard?

and the most hurtful thing is, i don’t know the reason why it hurts. i think i lost the battle already, but i won’t stop unless i found a reason to go on. unless the thin thread that separates being alive and dying is still there then i’m rejecting all these though. i’ll try to live another day, or many more days to come and seek for a better world of my own that is filled with serenity.

chester, i love you so much and i hope you already found your light.

and to everyone who’s fighting a battle, hold on. talk to someone about it. it’ll all be fine one day. this, i’m certain.